i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
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If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
I once taught an 8 am college class. So many grandparents died that semester. I then moved my class to 3 pm. No more deaths. And that, my friends, is how I save lives.
[during sex]
Hand me my reading glasses
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
Benedict Cumberbatch sounds like the fake name someone called Ben would give when he realised halfway through that giving his real name would be a bad idea.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
My kids are celebrating National Siblings Day just like I knew they would: screaming & fighting.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
1) Lick tip.
2) Stick it in gently.
3) Pump 12-20 times.
4) Sweat profusely.
5) Pull out gently.
-Instructions on inflating a basketball.
Stop saying “so I did a thing”…just say what you did, moron
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
King sized beds are tricky. Although you get more bed room, you also get less bedroom.
Want to throw somebody off? Look at their forehead mid-conversation. It makes the subconscious incredibly uncomfortable! Switch between looking at their eyes and their forehead — they’ll either end the conversation completely, or lose their train of thought.
A friend went on a cruise and when I asked how it went he said “well I didn’t throw up” and this is now my measurement of success for everything.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.