My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
![]()
You Might Also Like
Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do. And somehow we must all watch videos of it.
[5:00 AM, in a harsh whisper]
Daddy, don’t worry, you can sleep. I’m making my own breakfast, how do you turn on the stove?
Me: I’m up.
Mother of God, the man solved unsolvable crimes for eight straight seasons. When he says he has a hunch, believe him the first time.
“i’m going to give them a piece of my mind” no you should hang onto those you’re running out
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
We weren’t traipsing, Mom. We are rapscallions. We galavant.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade
Ask your doctor if asking your wife what she did all day is right for you
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkward
Don’t be awkwardWhat a sturdy clavicle you have.
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
When you think about it, crime not withstanding, all cars are getaway cars
What idiot called them ‘Ex-fiancées’ and not ‘Near-Mrs’ ?
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.![]()
ME: “I don’t want sex tonight”
GIRLFRIEND: “ok”
Reverse phycology doesn’t work on women.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
![]()
Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.
I made a wish and threw a bitcoin in the fountain. Now my laptop won’t boot anymore.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Coffee for people with no kids
![]()
Apparently you can’t complain to the restaurant staff about the loud kids when they are yours.
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
and now we wait
![]()