I eat the first half of a burrito to get full, I eat the second half to teach myself a lesson
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me: good night darling. I’m so happy to be able to fall asleep next to you
my gf: *already rotating like a kebab to ensure maximum duvet theft*
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
Someone just told me to dim the lights and called it a beauty tip.
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I’m the master at playing ‘The floor is lava’
*Lies on the couch*
Searching for your soulmate could take years. Making a slice of toast takes minutes.
thanksgiving in nutshell
6-year-old: Santa’s not real.
Me: That’s right.
6: So I can be bad.
Me: That’s wrong.
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
i was going to warn my kids about the repercussions of drugs and alcohol until i realized that they in fact were the repercussions of drugs and alcohol
If I had a dollar for every time one of my kids said “Mom, you’re not funny”, I could buy a beach house.
And live by myself.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Just once I would like someone to start a slow-clap when I walk in a room. Is that so much to ask?!
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
The Friday File.
Why, as a hair, would you even wanna be ingrown. Like why are you doing that???
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Ha
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
judas: honestly jesus is the coolest dude ever i hope he lives forever
jesus: worst movie ive ever seen? Space Jam
judas: yo what the f
Piracy is killing the music industry. You just try playing the guitar with a hook and a patch over your eye.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
Sinbad:
1. Sailor
2. Comedian
3. Most succinct version of the Bible
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first