Can’t wait for Game of Thrones to come back because I miss civilized political discourse.
You Might Also Like
My 3yo said “Alexa” repeatedly for 5 minutes and when he finally walked away Alexa asked if I could put her in a dark room with a bottle of wine
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Me: Time to carry me to bed, babe.
Him: That was one time.
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Guys you need to work this out.
*water balloon fight at 10 paces*
I feel like it’s customary to lose a meatball out of your sub when you’re wearing your favorite shirt.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
My son told me he used “air conditioner” in the shower so now I guess he has…cool hair.
Good Morning.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I’m a female historian who specializes in war atrocities, check out my blog “The War Atrocity Babe”
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Boy, are you a destination wedding? Cuz I can’t come.
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
When I was 16, my parents sat me down to give me “the talk” about professional wrestling.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re tired of straining your pasta by pouring it on to your cupped hands and waiting until the boiling water seeps through, try “colanders”. I’ve just switched to colanders and they’ve made cooking pasta a much less painful experience👍
This is Facts right here 🤣🤣💀
I figured out the best time to go grocery shopping these days is at 3:45 AM, before the Girl Scouts even wake up. Ha, I’ll show them.
Her: I’m really into eating clean.
Me: (trying to impress her) I also use many napkins.
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
Throughout the entire Twilight saga, there are over 24 minutes of just staring.
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Do emojis hide????
I can’t find an emoji I know is suppose to be there on the keyboard… Where is it?
(meanwhile someone thinks am typing paragraphs yet just looking for the one emoji 🙈)