Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
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Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
My dance moves are best described as a woman trying to put on pants 4 sizes too small, with a wasp flying around her head.
Wikigenius
Me: If the sun has a finite life can we really save the planet?
Wife: TAKE THE RECYCLING OUT!
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned
HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
[Burger Lounge]
Server: Are you 27?
Me: OMG NO I’M 39 THANK U SO MUCH U MADE MY DAY
Server: I meant your order number, ma’am.
wife: [crying] “he always calls me weird pet names”
therapist: “what do you mean?”
me: [arriving late] “what’s wrong my little hovercraft?”
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
Could I save more lives with telekinesis or with a family of friendly dinosaurs?
Parents out there naming their kids things like, Montana and Carolina and Dakota, but you never see anyone with the balls to name their kid, Idaho.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
Talk to the hand. The hand is lonely and needs some company. What are you up to? How’s work? You look great. You want some tea?
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
ME: It’s like The Goonies meets E.T. meets The X Files.
FRIEND: You talking about Stranger Things?
ME: [hiding my screenplay, The Goonet Files, behind my back] Totally. Yeah.
Any man that dates me better have my beer ready when I get home like my cats do
Me: I’m having a problem with my computer:
IT guy: Have you tried punching it?
Me: That’s the first thing I tried. I’m not an idiot.
me: where can I find shovels and toilet paper?
clerk: going camping?
me: no
If every time someone asks you to do something you quietly gasp and whisper, “Like the prophecy foretold.” People stop asking you to do things.
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.