You have a moderately successful Twitter account and you think “I should Google myself…”
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[job interview]
“You wrote here your biggest weakness is not knowing what irony means.”
“Ironic isn’t it? Is it? I don’t know.”
[scene of wreck]
cop: do you want an ambulance
me: no I’ll probably just buy another car
A strong person stands up for himself. A stronger person stands up for himself while bench pressing another person standing up for himself.
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Could’ve posed any goddamn way he wanted. Chose this.
Strawberry jam: hi i’m strawberry jam
Blueberry jam: hi i’m blueberry jam
Raspberry jam: hi i’m raspberry jam
Orange jam: BoNjOuR, you may call me MARMALADE
When my burger was ready, the clerk called out “867?”
I yelled back 5309.
No one laughed.
I am old.
Remember the bridge you drive over today was built by the lowest bidder.
I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
“Miss Yates, why didn’t Sam and Frodo just use the eagles to fly the ring to Mount Doom?” – Ted Cruz.
LIFE HACK: If you want to remember something write it upside down on the back of your underwear waistband. You’ll see it when you’re pooping
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
me: do you mind i can’t go with other people in the room
cellmate: buddy i don’t know what to tell you
Me: I would like to eat a boiled mermaid
Waiter: sir I don’t think you underst-
Me: the bottom half
Waiter: very good, sir
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
It’s mom law if your kid orders something delicious you have to taste it to make sure it’s not poisoned.
The ex-comedian urge to write my own wedding vows so everyone remembers I’m the funnier one in the relationship
No one likes my practical joke of licking all the spoons in their house at 3am and that’s why I need my feelings journal today
People who call it duck tape must be smoking quack.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
If by hot yoga you mean crawling around on the floor of my car in 90 degree weather looking for the sippy cup that rolled away then yes I do hot yoga
By now you know I’ve attempted some radical experiments with the unrivaled packaging of the ‘peanut butter cup.’ Of course, my ‘ham cup’ was a colossal failure. Yet I didn’t give up, but doubled down! And now I can reveal my new creation. I present to you, The Bar-B-Que Ham Tub!
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
CAUTION:
Even if your wife uses dual a sim phone, save both the number under one name “WIFE”.Never save it as “Wife 1” & “Wife 2”.
When people say they’re speechless I always hope they mean it but they usually keep talking