Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
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The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
Dyslexics are teople poo!
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Don’t date a man expecting to change him. At the end of the day he’ll still be a man, and you’ll have wasted your black candles and a goat.
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Procedure for being unthanked for door holding:
1. Keep eyes fixed on culprit
2. Say you’re welcome
3. Shake head
4. Mutter “unbelievable”
Freak parents out on Facebook by posting, “Just read a health article about how a camera flash causes diabetes in kids under the age of 10.”
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
WATSON: Here’s the weird thing. There’s only one set of footprints.
SHERLOCK [smokes pipe and squints]: That means God was carrying the suspect.
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
Owner: I want to charge 6.99 for a cookie
Devil: I’ve got an idea
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
* feels winds of change
* realizes it’s just a hole in my shorts
It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
A billion yahoo accounts got hacked, but the most surprising thing is that a billion people had yahoo accounts.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.