When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
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My 5-year-old who just turned 5 talks about being 5 like she’s reached the peak of adulthood, “I’m 5 now.” Relax girlfriend you can’t even open your own fruit snacks.
My house looks like I’m losing a game of Jumanji.
“And then we’ll have the throat hole open up and a rectangle candy will drop from it. Kids will love it.” ~ Inventors of Pez dispensers.
“Listen, you’ll get your money, I just need a little more time.”
Finding an open electrical socket at the airport and discovering it doesn’t work feels like buying a pair of pants and discovering the pockets are fake.
Kevin looks up from the soda machine where he was about to pour himself a small diet coke. Outside, the world is ending. Time to cut loose, he thinks. He puts back the small cup, and pours a medium diet coke.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
Sorry I’m late to the zoom meeting, my toddler insisted I diaper her unicorn and the tail kept getting in the way
Me: You know what would improve this dreadful place? An open bar
Other people in the waiting room:
ME: They call me Mr Universe
DATE: You workout?
ME: I’m constantly expanding
Either Mercury is in retrograde or I made a series of poor choices that have since born fruit, but who can argue with the planets?
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*
Age 15: I wanna live in a mansion
Age 25: Ok a big house, in a nice neighborhood
Age 35: *googles ‘Best Months to Live Outside’*
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My boomer father in law couldn’t get his TV to work, the tv was plugged into a surge protector…that was plugged into itself.
I don’t want to be a millionaire, I just want enough money to be able to stare off into the distance while pumping gas.
casting spells in the morning: I use my amulet
casting spells in the afternoon: I use my pmulet
I don’t know. “Your goose is cooked” seems like a positive. Like someone saying, “Hey, dinner’s ready. We’re having goose.”