There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
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Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
When will someone invent an alarm that wakes you up by stroking your hair or kissing your neck or making pancakes instead of yelling at you?
Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
I picked up a couple nice slabs of fresh salmon from the local fish market. Lovingly rubbed it with dijon mustard, coarse salt and black pepper. Smoked it low till it reached a beautiful 140°.
Kids: “WE WANT FISH STICKS!”
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
Maybe vet’s office should come with a doggy park just like any DMV should come with a bar
If you’re about to be attacked by a bear, just dress up as a pirate. It won’t help you survive but it’ll make an interesting headline.
“Now?”
“Not yet.”
“Now?”
“Not quite.”
*Car approaches*
“Now?”
“Now.”
-Deer crossing the road
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Me: I’m ghosting him.
Her: You stopped talking to him?
Me: No, I’m showing up when he least expects it and scaring the shit out of him.
Him: Should you be eating that much chocolate?
Me: Should you be using that much oxygen?
Apparently when your wife says “let’s make a baby,” she doesn’t mean assemble an infant from clay and chant The Old Words inside a pentagram
wife: I wish you were more romantic
me *starts biting the chicken nugget I’m eating into the shape of a heart*
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
It’s been a terrible year for burglars
Tried to impress her by making martinis but got my hand stuck in the olive jar
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch
*teenage girl breaks pencil*
“I CAN’T EVEN WRITE NOW!”
Twitter has ruined my chance at a political career.
Thank goodness.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.