put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
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911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
I think the inventor of the internet likely didn’t intend for it to be used to post videos of simians reacting to humans doing magic tricks.
My husband and 4yo are playing with the doctor kit and toy dinosaurs. My husband named the dino doctor The Dinocologist.
We were definitely meant for each other.
Dog pissed about wearing cone after surgery. Dog spends night banging cone against walls, keeping human awake.
Dog-1
Human-0
“My door is always open.”
— World’s worst submarine commander
My husband makes coffee for me every morning even when we’re fighting. Consider this evidence if I ever die by poison.
If you send multiple one sentence texts, I will mail a raccoon to your face I’m not kidding.
ME: *stands by the window*
ELF ON THE SHELF: *into sleeve* take the shot
They said I couldn’t drink or operate machinery on my medication.
But here I am…Driving a forklift…Sipping a beer…Lifting up my boss’s car…
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Stop trying to undress my panda bear onesie with your eyes.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
The age-old question ….
Are we alone ?Of course we’re not.
There are 320 million other
idiots on Twitter besides us.
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Please do not shout “2020” in a crowded theater.
If I’d married a wealthier man, I’d be lying on a fancier couch refusing to clean bigger rooms.
MAGICIAN: *pulls a rabbit out of a hat*
ME [a one upper]: *reaches over and pulls a hat out of the rabbit*
MAGICIAN: holy shit
need him
I don’t go to the circus. Not because I’m scared of clowns, but because I’m scared of people who go to the circus.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
The Fast and the Furious is my favourite movie about me running away after dropping a vase in an antiques store
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
I always carry a condom in my wallet in case a date goes unexpectedly well & I need to impress her with my balloon animals skills.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
-Ho ho ho, what do you want for Christmas?
-I want a Kylo Ren lightsaber, a Thor hammer, a Star Trek phaser, a—
-I was asking the boy, sir.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.