Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
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whenever i watch the tv show Friends, i imagine im the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Me:
My cat: wow you sure nap a lot
Why is it cute when a baby falls asleep clutching a bottle and when I do it it’s “worrisome”?
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
carpooler: what’d you think “beat the traffic” meant?
ryu from streetfighter: I don’t wanna talk about it
Since Monopoly replaced its tiny iron, the talking mice in my walls now all have wrinkled shirts.
The true irony in Taylor Swift singing about feeling 22 at age 23 is that I want to hit her in the face with a cast iron skillet.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
a BIG dipper ? in this astronomy ?
Me: I won’t make it. Go on without me.
Her: It’s a toe cramp
M: But I’m covered in some kind of clear blood
H: That’s sweat
M: Tell my story
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
Forever 21… pounds overweight
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
If the Earth was really flat, all the cats would have pushed everything off it by now.
Him: Why are you wrapping me up like a burrito & how did you find a tortilla this big?
Me: Shhh! This is my fantasy & burritos don’t talk.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
She tells me to live in the present then gets upset when I don’t remember our anniversary, pick a lane.
“I didn’t choose the thug life…” I mutter as I trim the crust off of my PB & J sandwich
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Nothing good can come from a gay man greeting you with an up and down look followed by an “Oh, honey”
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine
Absolute worst time of year to have a secret family. Hands down.
i know someone who thought the chorus to gangnam style was “open condom style”