My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
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How to be a Beautiful Woman:
-fill cheeks with snacks like a hamster
-stop shaving. become furry (like a hamster)
-exercise on a wheel (see Hamster)
-drink plenty of water from your wall mounted bottle
-beady, hamster-like eyes
-bite my dad (like my hamster)
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
If shame burned calories, I’d be back to my birth weight by now
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
*Getting pulled over*
Me: I knew we should have Uber’d
My dog: *stopping the car* Jus be cool
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
The dollar tree has motion sensor Christmas ornaments that blast jingle bells in case your family doesn’t already hate you…
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
me at 18: im gonna move to new york and go on so many dates
me at 26: if i put my phone in a ziploc bag i can go on twitter in the shower
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
When texting a girl “will you marry me” what’s the best emoji to use?
People in Jersey say “you’re welcome” not to be polite but to remind people to say thank you.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I’m starting to suspect the cat knows more than she’s letting on but I’ll never know because she’s changed the passcode to get into her laboratory.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”