Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
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So far my favorite thing about COVID-19 is getting an email from EVERY SINGLE STORE that’s ever had my email addy about how they are committed to protecting their employees and customers. I HAVEN’T SET FOOT INSIDE YOUR STORE IN 7 YEARS LEAVE ME ALONE.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
named my phone lois lane bc it doesn’t recognize me with glasses on either.
Since I’ve been scared of flying people have always tried to assuage said fear with “planes are way safer than cars!” and Boeing said “never mind!!!”
hey I just met you
and this is crazy
but I’m going to argue with another stranger in your mentions
for hours maybe
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Why yes, I do live under a rock. It’s called the moon.
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
The only appropriate time to ask a woman if she’s pregnant is when you see her peeing on a stick.
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
Coworker: I didn’t know you dip.
Me: *Puting a pinch of shredded cheese in my lip like chewing tabacco* Ugh, no. What a disgusting habit.
“What did you make milk out of today?” [Overheard in the library]
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo