[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully
PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
Being a man is pretty cool because men get to have sex with women. Some men.. sometimes.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Wikigenius
Wife: what do you want to do for you birthday?
Me: not answer any more questions.
I won against my toddler in Candy Land today and she for real put my player back at the start and said “you go here now.” Then she continued to play and then told me she won.
greys anatomy is so unrealistic. there is no way you can have sex in a place that smells like a hospital
*pronounces “vaseline” like “baseline”*
[cat clinic]
DR. CAT: What seems to be the problem?
CAT: Me-ow
DR. CAT: You need to be more specific
Twenty years ago today I walked across the stage and proudly accepted a diploma from Harvard University, a day I’ll never forget. I was promptly tackled by security and charged with trespassing, but man, what a moment.
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
Welcome to HouseHunters. Brenda sells keychains on Etsy and Keith shoots birds at the airport.
They have a budget of $430,000…
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Parenting is easy, until those kids wake up.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
me: *sleeping*
pimple: is it my night to emerge?
anxiety: I dunno, why don’t we both come out tonight?
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?
girlfriend: I think I need a break
me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford