Every movie should have bloopers in the credits underscored by a rap song that explains the plot.
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i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
I believe that growing up watching Porky Pig cartoons have contributed to my lack of pants.
I always use a short cut when I’m going to knife fight a midget.
okay run it by me one more time
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Well, I don’t know how my tattoo is gonna look when I’m 60, Carol, but I know you’ll be dead by then so
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
chiropractor cracked my back and now im glowing
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
[hears one Christmas song] My heart is overflowing with glad tidings
[hears another one] I’ve never been angrier
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
Comment: London’s WorldPride? It’s really WorldShame
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
Whenever someone knocks on the door of a bathroom I’m in, I like to yell back at them to come back with a warrant.
Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime
The bigger issue about the Hobby Lobby decision is the fact that people working in a craft store are getting laid more than I am.
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
People: Let us know if you need help!
Me: Okay I need help
People:
When I was a teenager, my father showed me a 30 minute Powerpoint presentation why one should always wear a condom!
All the slides were just pictures of me….
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.