I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
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Judge: Your charge is burning down your neighbors house
Me: Your Honor they hung baskets of plastic flowers on their porch!
J: Not Guilty!
A vegan, an atheist and a reformed ex-smoker walk into a bar.
Everyone else in the bar leaves.
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
You ever come home early from work and Alexa sounds disappointed?
[riding crowded elevator]
Me: jeez louise, how many stops is this thing gonna make
Jeez Louise: five
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
still burning off that Cinnabon i ate in 1997
me: *gets reincarnated into a worm* well at least I’ll finally be able to relax
flock of early birds: guess again
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Insomniacs who are not afraid of the dark have nighty-night problems but the pitch ain’t one.
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
JUVENAL: Who watches the Watchmen?
ME: I did. It was good.
JUVENAL: No, you’re missing the point.
ME: Well I know there was a lot of subtext, but I think I understood it.
Asking my boyfriend if he’d still love me if I was one of those weird aliens that drank coffee and babbled angrily at Men in Black passing by
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
Them: Bill, how are you doing?
Me: Last night I shaved my left leg and named it Delores. How do you think I’m doing?
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
*tapping DJ on the shoulder* YOU NEVER SAID WHAT TO DO WITH OUR HANDS IF WE DO CARE
When I experience symptoms of dehydration, I quickly eat some slabs of cream cheese to rule out if I’m just thirsty for cheese.
When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.
You’re clearly insane. Ok, I’ll give you twelve more chances
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
“I’m tired.”
– Beat Cop
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
My kid just announced that when he’s a grown up he’s going to go to the ice cream shop every day, and now I want to be a grown up too
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!