6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
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Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
Teens running from a party after the cops get called invented parkour
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
I used to think people who looked for sex on craigslist were rock bottom… Then I discovered twitter.
Welcome to parenting: You didn’t eat any, but you have syrup on you now.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
Almonds are good for when I want to have a healthy snack and want to stop having twelve dollars.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
I think my house is possessed. My kid did everything I asked him to this morning. Without complaining.
I am a fool everyday I don’t need a holiday for it
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Office fun: replace your coworker’s mouse with a larger mouse so he thinks his hands are shrinking then call him “baby hands” until he quits
Level of singleness: yelling, “pizza’s here!” So the delivery man doesn’t think all the pizza is just for me…
*dog walks into a pet store wearing a fake moustache*
“Hello sir or ma’am I would like to lovingly adopt your most delicious cat”
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
How many bears would Bear Grylls grill, if Bear Grylls could grill bears?
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
Pros of hiring me as a vet:
– Hard-working
– Experienced
– Reasonable pricesCons:
– Have been dubbed “The Horse Murderer” by the press
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Canadians have a pretty great reputation, in the world and on Twitter – polite, peaceful, community-driven, they don’t wear shoes indoors…
Canada is the reason we put pineapple on pizza.
Discuss.