[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
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Chris: I don’t care.
Kris: I don’t kare either.
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I always eat duck with a few slices of cheap bread, because I know they would’ve enjoyed it.
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
My mama didn’t raise no fool.
Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
STUBBORN belly fat?
Is there any other type?
[getting caught by a traffic cam] ok now let’s do a silly one
The greeter at my local Walmart is terrible at karate
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
guy in a zombie apocalypse who just keeps saying “the zombies are more afraid of us than we are of them” and stands up tall and waves his arms around and yells at them and he turns out to be 100% right
He: “I think all my dating apps are in Halloween mode.”
She: “Halloween mode?”
He: “Yes, everyone is ghosting me.”
#Halloween #RubbishJokes
Always love a woman for her personality. They have like 10, so you can choose.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
*connects a taser to doorbell to avoid human contact
When I get calls from unknown numbers I panic, decline and then wait for the voicemail like I’m about to be murdered.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
How can kids be so dumb and so brilliant at the same time? My son can’t say “oatmeal,” but he calls it “eatmeal” before I serve it and “atemeal” once he’s done.
If Scientists invent a pill to make us immortal, I guarantee I’d choke to death swallowing it.
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”