When Kevin Bacon participates in a bake off, he instantly becomes Kevin Bacoff.
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THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
5: what’s for dinner
Me: chicken
5: cow chicken or human chicken?
You can’t scare me. You’re not my dog the morning after she ate my jar of Vaseline
HOW TO DISPOSE OF BATTERIES
– set them aside until you can look up how to dispose of batteries
– find them 3 months later
– look both ways
– slip them into the trash
stop telling me to be the bigger person giants are shunned in our society
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
Dog 1: *whispering* you got any drugs?
Dog 2: who said that? Are you a spider?
God: I shall call this a tiger
Me: *scratching ‘angry fire zebra’ off my sheet* yeah cool whatever
I don’t know how he put it in from that angle, but I liked it.
-me watching hockey
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
8 year old touching under her eye: Mom, what is it called when your eyes look tired?
Me: It’s “you have bags under your eyes” but you don’t have any, baby.
8 year old: I know, but you do.
God: *creates sunset*
Angel: That’s beautiful. What purpose does it solve?
God: *creating Instagram* You’ll see.
*Bee lands on flower covered in another flower’s pollen*
FLOWER: What’s that?
BEE: I can explain
F: I don’t want to hear your lies, Ian
Shout out to the people who deleted their twitter accounts on New Years, see you in a few days
You saw nothing. I am ham.
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
Herpes is trending, good job people
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
nature’s most graceful animal
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.
Not now. I’m deglazing.
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
They say that unless you remember history you are destined to repeat it.
-I say to myself every time I think about cutting bangs.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.