I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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ME:WHY ARE YOU LEAVING ME? EVERYBODY LEAVES ME!
UBER DRIVER:This is where you wanted to be dropped off, right?
ME:*wiping away a tear* Yes.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
my husband has been taking sailing lessons and instead of putting it on our calendar like a normal person he prefers to stand up abruptly, stare out the window, and proclaim “I must go to the sea!”
My husband said he wanted complete honestly in our relationship
So I said I wanted a divorce
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
My toddler saw Santa for the 2nd time this season and when he asked her what she wanted for Christmas, she quit smiling, looked him dead in the eye, and told him, “I already told you”. And that was the moment I realized that I’m going to have to get so much better at lying.
me: *throwing a fudgie the whale cake into the ocean* HAPPY BIRTHDAY EARTH
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
[phone w/ fiancé]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama
I don’t always forget there’s new glass doors At work but when I do I make sure to walk into them face first In front of my coworkers.
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
Leaving the Barbers like
“Romeo and Juliet” serves as a potent reminder to make sure you’re on the same page with your partner re: fake death plan
Me: You’ve dimmed the lights already, aren’t we forward?
* smiles suggestively *
Optometrist: Just read the letters on the screen.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.