Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
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Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
When I see the lyrics to a song I’ve been singing wrong the whole time.
Autocorrect is my menesis
Maybe people are the dumbest creatures on Earth, and animals just pretend to be dumber to avoid talking to us.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
No, officer, I haven’t been drinking; my toddler just needed to hand me everything from the back seat.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly Chinese food.
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong
waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good
me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
Teens – Slay all day
20s – Rosé all day
30s – Bidet all day
40s – Bengay all day
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
*watches someone skateboard off a roof
…hold my beer
Downhill is probably the only way I can honestly say I’ve rolled.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
Hey teachers, stop giving my kids homework that includes stuff for me to do. I HAVE ALREADY GRADUATED.
Sincerely, every parent everywhere.
I just want to be important enough that someone unexpectedly puts a cup of coffee in my hand, which I gratefully accept with only a nod.
– Are you sure these figures aren’t exaggerated?
– Million percent.