A new fast-food joint called, Bish Wut U Want. The drive-thru greeting will be, Bish Wut U Want?
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Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
asked my therapist who their therapist was and went to see them. asked them the same thing until i got to the final boss therapist and defeated them with my trainwreck of a life
There’s no need to panic; Taco Bell is offering free gas with every meal
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
Dear check writer in front of me,
I am trying to remember this is how my grandmother would have paid and I would punch anyone who judged my grandma. You are making this harder.
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
*laughs all the way to the bank*
*cries all the way back*
I swallowed a Ice Cube and I haven’t pooped it out yet, I’m really scared you guys.
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
‘….annnnnnd now you have TWO hours before you have to get up.’
~The monster under my bed
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Start a slow-clap in a quiet, crowded room. The first person that joins you, marry them. They’re your soulmate.
7:01 AM: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Build your 3 year old a blanket fort.
7:10: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ play house.
7:45: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Resolve conflict between your 3 year old’s toys.
8:20: D̶r̶i̶n̶k̶ ̶c̶o̶f̶f̶e̶e̶ Fix the blanket fort.
9:00 AM: Drink cold coffee.
Ordinary things that become AMAZING once you’re a parent:
-showers
-sitting down to eat
-drinking coffee while it’s hot
-pooping
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Russian skater just explained that he is “not a robot,” proving, of course, that he is a robot. #Olympics
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
Me: It’s America’s birthday!
Kid: Like Brave?
Me: Yes! Home of the brave. So smart!
Kid: I like her orange hair.
Me: …ok let’s start over.
It’s always uncomfortable when someone says you might be their soulmate, and you have to tell them you don’t have a soul.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.