Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery. LOL just kidding it was double homicide.
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Serious talk at the office of replacing me with an air-fryer.
Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Watched my kid experience his first deep eye rub, like yeah, kid, get it. Do it til you see shapes.
Someone on TikTok asked if people with office jobs just sit at our computers all day and answer emails
Obviously that’s not true
We also have meetings about the emails and then write emails about the meetings
Kids these days, I tell ya
You can extend the olive branch..
but you can’t beat them over the head with it
Blew my mind.
Siri do my hangover for me tomorrow morning.
Have a friend who takes pics of her food and then goes to the restroom to delete them all. Instagramorexia Nervosa.
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Mom of newborn: They say the crying gets better after seven weeks.
Newborn: *cries*
Me: *cries better*
What’s the past tense of “wake & bake”?
“Woke and boke”?
“Awake and baked”?
“Awakened and baconed”?Whatever it is, I’m that
[my head is bleeding]
HIM: Have u seen a doctor???
ME: Buddy, I’ve seen several. Let me tell u about a little show called Grey’s Anatomy…
LOIS LANE: here i got you these contacts so you don’t have to wear glasses anymore
CLARK KENT: *nervous sweating*
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Mumford & Sons! It’s your cousin, Marvin. Marvin & Sons. You know that new sound you’re looking for? *holds phone to a boiling pot of water*
There is no day that can’t be improved by seeing pictures of how they weigh an owl.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
My husband just solved a puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with only 2 letters turned on the board and he leaned over to high five me.
If anyone wants to high five him back, he’s still waiting.
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Husband just told our daughter we were going hiking “near the place where mommy had to pee outside”
Me in high school: WHY AM I SPENDING AN HOUR A DAY LEARNING ABOUT A SUBJECT THAT WON’T HELP ME IN REAL LIFE?
Me now: Oh boy a new episode of my podcast about dolphin social hierarchies
Cops are always like “Where were you when the murder took place” and never “How were you when the murder took place”
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.