Flex on the Average Person by eating 9 Spiders a Year
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my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
So I go to McDonalds & I’m ordering my food & the car behind starts honking their horn bc I’m taking to long to order. So I go to the 1st window and paid for my food & theirs too. Then I got to the 2nd window to get my food and took theirs too.
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Having a toddler is like harboring a bipolar, schizophrenic, incontinent, adorable, tiny dictator.
I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Me: some mornings I see myself in the mirror and think what am I even getting ready for
Therapist: sorry, can you pull the toothbrush out of your beard
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me, sweating: You finally found out I took my third grade teacher’s eraser without permission?
Cop:
Me:
Cop: Speeding
Me: Oh phew!
Toddler cupping his hands around my ear: Pss shh tsk whhh shiii pstsh tssskp.
Me: You know whispering is still saying real words, but just really quietly, right?
What idiot called it “home for the holidays” and not “an aunt infestation”
Either my cat is speaking English or that was not a vitamin I took….
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘arrogance’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can, don’t be stupid
If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.
Babies are 60% water, I can walk on babies, therefore I am 60% jesus
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
🙄😏😂🤣
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.