Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
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One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Me: Well, I lost 9 pounds.
Her: That’s great, hon! Where’s the baby?
Me: Let me repeat…
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
Me: actually, EVERY date will never happen again
Her: *getting up* okay but this is REALLY never happening again
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
When people complain that all Cristiano Ronaldo does is score goals, I don’t understand.
What do you want him to do?
Fry yam?
How come NASA sending their black hole to everyone is “Breaking News,” but me sending mine is an “HR violation?”
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
[Shark Tank]
Ok hear me out.
-Alright.
It’s an airplane made out of cats.
-But why?
It cant crash. Always lands on it’s feet.
-Please leave.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
nurse: do u want a pill for anxiety
me: no need i already have it
The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
Neighbors having their yearly Xmas party. Not invited again. So don’t tell me the screaming drunken outdoor fights don’t pay off.
Googles ‘why everyone hates self-made rich geniuses’
Me: Hey Google Home.
GH: You can call me Google.
Me: *batting my lashes* My, you certainly do move fast.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
When I find out you work in the medical profession, no matter the capacity, I will ask you to look at this rash. Just to annoy you
Wish my date had canceled before I shaved my legs. Well if anyone wants to go out tonight I am more aerodynamic than usual
me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
“shark infested waters”…. you mean their home????😭