And on the second day, God created the sunset and He saw that it was good but decided it would looketh better with the Amaro filter.
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Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
Me: Stay back, I have garlic!
Count of Monte Cristo:
My dog is doing her silly “I Just Made A Giant Poop” happy dance. I’m happy for her but also like, super jealous.
Starbucks Manager: I wish I could contact my dead grandma somehow
Me: I can put you in touch with a medium
Starbucks Manager: A what
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Every surgery is exploratory if you’re confused enough
[david attenborough voice] wolves, also known as nature’s best animal, have been cool for hundreds of thousands of years
him: you’re not like most women
me: is it because I’ll eat an entire pizza, the fries in your hand, and a small village on a first date?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s an extra chin.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
My childhood can be summed up in two simple facts.
1. I was fully convinced that tapioca pudding contained fish eyes.
2. I still ate it.
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Romance isn’t dead it’s just playing happily on a farm up north.
FRIEND: haha she’s so cute—say it for him honey
HER TODDLER: the moon is cheeeeese
ME: well what have we here, a tiny liar
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
*my friend pulling the dog’s tail after his surgery*
why isn’t this lamp working
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
groan^2
“Dad I think there’s a monster in my room”
-Seriously? You’re 33 years old. You live in a different state.
“Just put mom on the phone”
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
When I got the vaccine they asked me how I was feeling and I said I feel kind of updog and they put the syringe back in and took the vaccine out of me
Judge: How do you find the defendant?
Jury Foreman: Well…I guess I just look right at him. Why — isn’t that how you do it?