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Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
the dog ran into a fence chasing a squirrel. she doesn’t look anything like me but she’s mine. i can tell
Don’t date a Canadian woman unless you’re willing to plow her…..
Driveway when it snows
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about glassblowing
ME *traps wasp under a cup*
MAGICIAN GHOST WHO HAUNTS ME: *appears & sets down 2 more cups*
ME: no
MAGICIAN GHOST: *starts to shuffle them*
Nobody ever mentions one of the greatest joys of being a parent is mocking your kids in an annoying voice, repeating what they whined about
Take 9 seconds. Be this happy
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Old superstition:
When wife laughs at your jokes:
It means you have guests in the house.
Given the memory span of a goldfish…
Just vacuumed my couch and found 16 bobby pins, 84 cents, 3 kinds of cereal, a spoon and a live hedgehog.
Are we done? Can we go?
-A memoir.
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Her: I really need to learn to say “no”.
Me: I’ll introduce you to my wife.
Apparently “naked” is not the answer when someone mad at you asked, how do you sleep at night?
Isn’t it time to start naming hurricanes after IKEA furniture.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
The worst part about the measles outbreak at Disneyland was still the price of admission.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
It’s Dublin.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom