why r babies always crying u don’t even have jobs
You Might Also Like
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
set yourself free xox
These Brit awards outfits are getting stupid now.
I’ve saved $7982 in movie theater popcorn by switching to Covid
I’ve discovered my home doesn’t have a basement.
It was just the estate agent doing that walking down the stairs thing behind the couch
[wakes up from coma I went into in 1908] so how many more World Series titles have the Cubs won?
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
[first day as a hacker] *puts ax down* i got inside their computer alright
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Fun Fact: All the confetti thrown during the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade is cut from a single CVS receipt.
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
My wife was livid when I told her I used all of our savings to buy stock in Bose.
I told her to relax, it’s a sound investment.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
my cousin went to pride years ago and threw up on someone on a ferris wheel- fast forward 10 years, him and his husband were talking about pride and his husband told him a story about when he was thrown up on at pride- my cousin threw up on his husband 5 years before they met
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*