Whoa. I guess one dude quit:
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Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
It took my husband roughly 5 hours to put together this seesaw thing so I’m thinking our marriage will probably only last about 2 hours after I ask him to move the orange bar to the middle
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
Me *starts peeling potatoes*
My kid: are the fries ready yet?
Possum: They say all your spouses passed away under mysterious circumst– wait are those coon skin hats?
Raccoon: Those are just old wives tails
The future is now.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
that stage of a relationship where you’re accused of things like exhaling too short, “I just don’t see how you can be in this for the long run when you’re clearly microdosing carbon dioxide”
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
spent 20 minutes training ChatGPT to write the perfect anniversary note for my wife so don’t try to tell me I’m not romantic
Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
[buying an engagement ring]
clerk: that will be $10,000
me: [dragging 3 months’ celery behind me] okay please dont laugh
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
WIFE: You said you were going to put the dog down
ME: *in tears* I TRIED BUT HE HAD SOME REALLY DEVASTATING COMEBACKS
NOBODY MOVE I LOST AN HOUR
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
Me: You owe me $33.50
Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
going into to sephora and putting some lipstick on my collar to make my gf jealous
When my kid has a friend over and he starts talking to me, I’m like, “No. This is the opposite of why I let you come here.”
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Lycra leggings didn’t get me to the gym.
But I choreographed a modern dance trying to peel them off.
If you ever see a get rich quick scheme, that’s someone else trying to get rich quick off you.
don’t care who let the cat out of the bag. who’s puttin cats in bags