My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
You Might Also Like
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
They’re not wrong
catch me on valentine’s day like
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
[phone call]
murderer: I know where u live
me: it’s just til I get back on my feet
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
*getting hit on by someone else’s boyfriend* aw he must smell my boyfriend.
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
Sometimes when I pass by a stranger I like to whisper “I was just thinking the exact same thing”
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
My sister’s fiance is visiting from England on Friday, i thought I’d surprise him so I’ve been driving on the wrong side of the road
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
Me: Help someone is trying to gain entry to my home, send the police!
Her: Calm down, where are they now?
Me: Still ringing the doorbell
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
my date last night:
– tried really hard to get me to go home with him
– accidentally spilled his milkshake in my car
– left me to clean it up
– texted me this morning that he’s getting back together with his exdating is fun, you guys
#katesdates
Me: I’ll cook breakfast
Wife: Whatcha making?
M: Poached eggs on brioche with pancetta & hollandaise
W: REALLY?
M: No. One Pop Tart or two?
The only thing I miss about eating meat is the enticing stickers on the packages. I want an avocado labeled “choice cut” or some prime tofu.
Either this rapid COVID test is defective or I didn’t pee on it long enough.
if Disney has taught us anything it’s that if you’re a girl who reads books, you will eventually fall in love with a water buffalo
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
*a horse, dog and penguin walk into a bar
Bartender: Seriously, why are we even paying the bouncer?
A lot of people are shocked to learn that I’m still single. Especially my wife.
Me: Excel, could you copy paste values pls
Excel: (smoking cigarette and eating Doritos) yeah I can do it but it’s gonna take like 10 minutes
Me: why
Excel: (eating three chips at once) because I don’t like you
In search of a Dom(ino’s Pizza)/Sub(way Sandwich) relationship