*puts a picture of Roger Rabbit in a picture frame*
I did it. I framed Roger Rabbit.
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“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Place any sort of bowl like object anywhere in your house and in a month and it will have collected old screws, batteries, and pens like some kind of black hole.
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
What idiot called them atheists instead of non-parishables?
Breaking news:
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
My sister FaceTimed me this morning and I answered hungover and obviously not looking the best and all she did was start laughing really hard at my face and then goes “ugh thank you I needed that!” then just hung up
ME: Take care of my cat while I’m away?
HITMAN: [screwing on silencer] No problem.
Me: I learned everything I know about Cinco de Mayo from watching Coco.
Him: Coco was about Day of the Dead, not Cinco-
Me: Cinco, Coco, YOU KNOW I DON’T SPEAK SPANISH, TODD!
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
don’t you dare tell me journalism is dead
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
I really need someone to follow me around Target to say “No. No. Put that back. You don’t need that. You already have 4 of those at home.”
“She sends things to strangers on the internet and no one even cares but she keeps doing it” – my dad, explaining me on twitter to my aunt.
At the beach I saw someone in regular clothes, no towel, no beach gear, sleeping face down in the sand. Wasn’t sure what I was looking at. “Do I call the cops? I don’t have any bars and it’s a long walk to the car. Oh good, she rolled over.”
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
[holding a baby]
me: uh so how long have you been a baby?
A pregnant family member is looking for a old-fashion social security number. What is your social security number?
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I asked my 3 year old why she was wearing a bathing suit to dinner as if I’ve never met a toddler before
I think it’s bad coaching to tell kids to choke up on the bat. matter of fact i don’t think children should be eating baseball bats at all.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
ME: What’s that on your wrist?
CO-WORKER: It’s a step tracker. It tells me how many steps I’ve taken throughout the day.
ME: Great! Do you like mine? *holds out arm*
CW: That’s just a regular watch.
ME: I know…it tells me how many hours I’ve got left until bedtime.