Once again not all heroes wear capes
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Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
I think my 2 year old is behind the Netflix algorithm. He’s like “Because I liked being carefully tossed up in the air by my dad, I might also enjoy running headfirst into this doorframe”.
WIFE: Do something productive today
ME: I will
[later]
WIFE: What the-?
[dog zooms by in the car]
ME: I taught him how to drive, Karen
It’s impossible to lick your elbow. You never let me. Please. I want this.
Yawn in the club to see who’s checkin you out.
Easy enough.
5-year-old: I can’t finish my lunch. I don’t feel good.
Me: OK, then no ice cream.
5-year-old: I’m sick, not dead.
Whether or not you clean as you cook says more about compatibility than astrology ever will.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
I’m not much on seizing the day, I just kinda poke it with a stick.
next time ur embarrassed about something u did in the past just know that everyone remembers and still thinks about it too. in fact we were just talking about it the other night
[after robots take over]
*drones crash into my kitchen*
ME: [mouthful of ham] whobithrayed me?
*fridge starts laughing*
BUT U WERE MY FABRIT
The right person will know this subtweet is about them.
Life is ruff.
-anonymous dog
Teens don’t know how good they have it with lyrics sites. We used to have to sing shit wrong for years until the truth destroyed us.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
the tv: 120 seconds until the nuke lands and ends us all
kids: oh no
wife: oh no
parents: oh no
me: *reading bagel bites package says to cook for 3 minutes* oh no NO NO
Revenge is a dish best served cold. Unless revenge is a meatloaf. That you should heat in the oven for forty-five minutes at 350 degrees.
ME: How much to buy a singing ensemble?
PRODUCER: You mean a choir?
ME: Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?
My credit score is me crying in the rain and fighting with a family of raccoons for territory.
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
I’ve learned a lot over the years, but the best advice I can ever give someone is never buy a used harmonica.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
I told my bf if he keeps forgetting to say “bless you” when I sneeze I’m going to just go ahead and let that old lady, nagging demon in.
He said “so what would be the difference?”
If anyone asks, you haven’t seen him in two weeks either.
She puts the hot in psychotic
“Peanuts make me swell up like a beach ball”
“Is that an allergy?”
“No, simile”
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?