“You got a friend in me” – your friend’s girlfriend
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A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
It鈥檚 not my job to tell people where they鈥檙e failing in life.
It鈥檚 just a hobby.
My grandma married 2 men named Grover. I think she just had a thing for the name Grover, because she also married 2 women named Grover
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Sister: “Family shot time”
Me: “Whooo Hoooo….drink drink drink drink!”
Sister: [holds up camera]
“I want to take a picture”Me: oh
Scooterology is the science of moving things just a smidge
Me- WHOA, let me Google that for ya
CW- Google what?
* (types)why is my CW an annoying dipshit
* makes eye contact
*slow presses enter
[Speech Therapy]
Therapist: Repeat after me: I鈥檓 thirsty
Dad: I鈥檓鈥hirsty
T: I鈥檓 hungry
D: I鈥檓鈥…Hi Hungry, I鈥檓 Dad
T: *throws clipboard*
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it鈥檚 mammal time
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 馃槱馃槏馃槏馃槏
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we鈥檙e not gonna stop again for a while
Waitress: Would you like an omelet?
Me: Sure. Put it in a martini glass with gin and no eggs…
Why do kids always want to grow up to be astronauts or doctors or racing drivers or football players, but never quiz show hosts. They literally get paid for asking questions. Surely there鈥檚 some transferable skills there.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
[at work during the pandemic]
BOSS: omg what the hell
ME: I鈥檓 wearing the damn mask
BOSS: why down there though
Them: for a million dollars would you-
Me: I鈥檓 gonna stop you right there because you probably don鈥檛 want to know what I鈥檓 willing to do for a million dollars
If laughing is good for you because you use 15 muscles, think how healthy you’ll be if you’re breaking a chair on someone’s head every day.
i鈥檇 rather go to jail than go camping. at least jail is inside
Guys if you are into a girl you have to be confident enough to look her right in the eye on her Facebook profile pic & press the Like button