I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
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before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Whoever decided to make Peeps flavored Pepsi and NOT call it Peepsi committed the biggest fumble in the history of sugar
I almost drowned trying to swim today. The security guard didn’t even care he just told me to get the hell out of the mall fountain.
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
I have a dog to make sure that the sounds in the middle of the night are nothing serious and I have a cat to make those sounds.
A guy asked my kiddos if they were on Santa’s naughty list or his good list. They both said good, but as soon as we got in the car, 4 was worried and asked “sooooo…how good do you have to be, to be on the good list?”
That seems sus.
I attend weddings purely to be fortunate enough to hear those two little words that always bring tears to my eyes – “open bar”
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
Hub: Still mad?
Me: Jack & Jill went up the hill
H: To fetch a pail of water
M: Jack fell down & died a violent death
Hub: Ok, still mad
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
Imma just leave this here…………
Is it socially acceptable to aim a leaf blower directly into the mouth of someone annoying you?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
Me: Bob, it’s pronounced CHANGING, not a-changin’.
Bob Dylan: ?
Me: Can someone teach Bob to say CHANGE?
*David Bowie stands up*
Me: Not you
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
Ate shrooms & I feel nothing. Just an awful taste in my mouth. Also the dealer overcharged me. Also he’s a centaur with spiders for lips
The package proclaims that the Nasoya® baked, marinated tofu is “Ready to Eat,” but I will be honest w/you, I have no idea what to feed it.
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
I was terrified when my son started driving alone, but then realized he could get dinner and grocery shop. I’m good now.
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
When one of your kids forgets they borrowed some your clothes & wear them in front of you. That.