A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
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Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
Please accept this lovely parting gift as our way of encouraging you to leave.
once i get some clearasil, it’s over for you blotches
When I get to somebody’s house, I text them, because knocking on doors is for poor people.
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
ME [first time on-air as a weather man]: don’t go outside unless you want your hair to look like you just shot off the fence at Jurassic Park
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it
My boss says I have to wear pants to work even if it is my birthday. Rude.
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
Regular gangs give you a nickname
Rich people gangs give you a Nicholas Name
waitress: can i get you some coffee
[remembering a friend telling me when a girl invites you for coffee she wants to get to know you]
me: back away harlot
People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?
Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*
My dog: *blasts off from earth*
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
olive garden host: welcome to ol-
me: [inhales deeply] i’m ready to help guard the olives
Women, when you say: “We should move into a better house.”
A man hears: “My plan is to force you to work till the day you die.”
10yo: (screaming) MOM, COME HERE RIGHT NOW!!
Me: Okay, Okay!
*steps on lego*
*stubs toe on fallen over chair*
*falls over laundry basket*
*slip-and-slides across spilt water*
*arrives at 10yo*
10yo: Never mind. I figured it out.
[lifeguard panting and dropping me in sand] what the hell
[me trying to catch my breath] sorry. I thought you were a shark for most of that
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
my dentist said I needed an implant and I was like damn I know they’re small but that’s a little harsh
ME: hell yeah I’m into Dune 2. Dune 2 others as you’d have them Dune 2 you!
JESUS: *descends from heaven* stop that