Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
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Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
[waiter pours me another drink]
Me: I’ve never known anyone to be so late on a first date
Waiter: yes, 4 days is a bit much
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Got into a bar fight last night about how to pronounce Steve Buscemi’s name. We later shook hands when Buscemi agreed that I was right
If you’re moving to a new house for a “fresh start,” congratulations your new house is haunted.
Alas, my disappointment when I walked into Banana Republic and wasn’t greeted by Chancellor Banana Bananason
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.
Mistakes married men make:
1. Doing things.
2. Not doing things.
3. Thinking about doing things.
4. Not thinking about doing things.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
PRIEST: *cry laughing
ME: I told you I was funny when I was drunk
MY FIANCÉ: Yeah…hi
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO
“A picture is worth a thousand words.”
–anonymous“A thousand words is for amateurs.”
–children
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Sometimes I have hope for future generations, but then I watch a high school student pick a booger on a Zoom call.
Mike Trout turns 26 today. If he keeps up this pace, he’ll be 30 in four years
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.