I ducked into a crowd of guys bro hugging as they left the bar, they didn’t notice the stranger in their midst and I’m feeling so loved rn.
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Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
Me: everything happens for a reason
Her: can I get your number?
Me: I don’t believe in “accidents”
Her: I’ll also need your insurance
Mad Max Arctic Road
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
just like to remind everyone that if you wear a stylish belt with your bathrobe it becomes a dress
Of course I don’t have any skeletons in my closet
I know how to dissolve bones I’m not an amateur
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
The Three Little Pigs use the money from their life story to build the ultimate house.
Me: I can’t do anything right
Therapist: You’re in my chair
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
Me: I still have water in my ears from yesterday. I can’t hear the kids.
Wife: You should shake it out.
Me: Why would I want to do that?
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Me: Why do I even come to these meetings? You guys never listen to me
PTO President: For the last time, we are not going to call the crossing guard a human trafficker.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
I’m not very good at makeup because I naturally have bad handwriting and it just translates to my face
I saw a TV for sale for only £1 because the volume button was stuck
Did I buy it?
Of course I did!
Well, I couldn’t turn it down
Could I?
[zombie apocalypse]
SURVIVOR: That Chuck E. Cheese looks safe let’s take shelter in it
ME: *banned from all Chuck E. Cheese’s for tongue kissing the animatronic rat* You guys go ahead
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
Me: I’ll get a cappuccino and a furtado
Barista: What’s a furtado?
Me: It’s like a bird
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Stop bragging about your workout pics. Do you see me post every box of donuts I eat.
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU