If the covid vaccine is implanting trackers in us then that just means when I get lost in an ikea then they can send in a rescue team
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I believe extraterrestrials arrived on Earth via flying lavatories. I believe in scientoiletgy, my friends.
I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
My kids have eaten one bite out of everything in our refrigerator today.
You can’t transmit the Olympics live, but NASA can transmit a feed from Mars with only a 14 minute delay? NBC, you have been owned.
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
Smile they said.
I would request a bunch of Ambien as my last meal so I would look hardcore as hell by falling asleep at my own execution
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Me: My body is a temple
Personal Trainer: But what about all the food and wine and parties?
Me: It’s a temple to Dionysus
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
You can’t stop yourself
If I say this is a haiku
You’ll count syllables
*looks at phone to check the time
*watches TikTok videos for 4 hours
I just put on jeans right out of the dryer and my Fitbit exploded.
So it turns out we were both wrong, but the important thing to remember is you were more wrong.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Remember when “anyone can grow up to be President” was aspirational, not an existential threat?
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
Really glad that ventriloquism has made fisting mainstream.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
My 8yo did a great job on his school project so he gets to pick any restaurant for dinner and so tonight we’ll be dining at the gas station.
broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere