My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
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Me, hold a grudge? Never. I carry a battle axe at all times and settle any nonsense as it happens.
“Give me a positive adjective…”
“Splendid.”
“Nice. Now how about a negative adjective?”
“Splendidn’t.”
At what age do kids actually start washing their hands instead of just getting them wet for 5 seconds?
It’s not 13.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Me: [buys six boxes of Girl Scout Cookies outside store]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout cookies.
I tried so hard and got so far
But in the end, I’d like to add you to my professional networkLinkedIn Park
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
If you get on the train while people are still getting off, may your tea be forever cold
I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
Yes my dude
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
One of many embarrassing moments for me was when someone told me that they were an equestrian and I asked how was Ecuador this time of the year
excel: ope you don’t need that leading zero right
me: yes. that’s why i typed it th-
excel: there you go we’ve cleaned up all leading zeros
me: i need tha-
excel: zeros are icky
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
BREAKING: I am a medical miracle
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
Whenever I see a new couple on a date I walk up to their table, hold up my phone and tell the guy “You’re Wife Sarah says hello”.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
watergate? u mean a dam??
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020