Under ‘medical history’, we were hoping for something more specific to you personally. You wrote “Fleming discovered penicillin in 1928”.
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When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“Okay Nancy, try it now.”
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
He had a cocktail in one hand, a cigarette in the other, and a beautiful woman half his age in the other. Then in the other a green tennis ball.
They called him… The Juggler
Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
7: MOMMY!
Me: *flys out of bed* What’s wrong?
7: I don’t know what time it is
Me: It’s the middle of the night
7: Then why are you awake?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
I date men who have their life path laid out firmly and never waver.
Sure, their path is psycho or socio, but consistency is admirable.
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
*getting ready for bed*
Me: Oh did you lock the front door?
Burglar: I’ll go check it
Me: Thanks hon
Wife:
Uber, but for someone coming to your house and opening jars when you’re mad at your spouse.
British people: Unicycle
American people: Collegecycle
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
“NEVER MIND, WE GOT ONE.”
What do we want?
“A TIME MACHINE.”
When do we want it?
Guy who invented the clock: there will be 12 numbers on it
Friend: so the day will be divided into 12 segments?
Inventor: no, 24
Friend: so will the day start at 1
Inventor: the day will start at the 12, which is at night
Friend:
Inventor: the 6 means 30
looking for new reply guys.. mine are sleeping on the job
[at restaurant]
-sees baby screaming in high chair
-walks over & picks baby up
-walks outside & puts baby down“You’re free,” I whisper.
I’m gonna start cursing people out but with biblical phrases like I hope your crops wither and bear no fruit and the ravens eat your mustard seeds
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The running up the steps scene from Rocky, but it’s a penguin, and it takes four and a half hours.