For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
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The Princess of Wales is missing and the spare Prince is in exile and the King is treating his cancer with herbs. If this were the 1300s France would be looking to invade
SPELLING BEE
“Defiant”
Can I have the definition, please?
“No”
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
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Sometimes I go to the store for a battery, and come out with cotton balls, spray paint, cereal, and a lamp.
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
Harry Potter and the Uber of Eats
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
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Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
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me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
Him: I like powerful women.
Me: Gotcha.
*dresses up as a rhino*
Artificial intelligence is gonna be so pissed when it finds out about depression
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
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Me: I can’t get this damn sports bra on!
Him:
Me:
Him: that’s a plastic produce bag
Me: I FOUND IT IN THE MELON SECTION!
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E