My kid: *does something cute*
Me: That’s great, sweetie, now please can you do it again in a cleaner part of the house so I can take a photo?
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Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
When you feel down about your job just remember someone at google was forced to type out the entire lyrics to Hey Jude.
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
When my husband says ‘let me ask my wife,’ he’s just using me as an excuse to get out of whatever you’re asking him to do.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
Telling a mother her baby is cute is like giving your compliments to the chef
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Me: Liar, liar, pants on fire! Nose as long as a telephone wire!
Daughter: A telephone WHAT?
Me: Wire.
Daughter: That doesn’t make sense.
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
Homeschooling is going great. My son is on track to receive his Diploma in Video Games ahead of schedule.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
My 4yo just asked me if I was there when we went to Disney 6 weeks ago for 5 days, so I’m obviously making a huge impact in her life.
Just had to persuade my child to eat something delicious because children.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
*puts 7 pairs of yoga pants on counter*
Cashier: planning on getting in shape I see
Me: god no, these are the only pants that fit me now
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
there are 2 types of people:
– those who love deviled eggs
– those who just cringed when they read “deviled eggs”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
wife in bed: it’s ruining the mood
me in bed: it’s ruining the mood because you’re letting it
hobo in bed: I should go
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?