Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
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Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
1) “Obamas spying on you.”2) “Eh. Cost of being free!”1) “Obama wants to give you healthcare.”2) “WHO THE HELL DOES HE THINK HE IS?”
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
Fridges have magnetic doors because kids used to get stuck in them. We now literally have to tell adults not to eat tide pods.
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
Sorry for getting political on here but a hungry hungry hippo wouldn’t eat marbles. It would eat your head.
As a man of means, I eat expensive beans.
As a man of class, I blame dogs for the gas.
As a man of men, I eat the beans again…
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
I’m babysitting my 2 yr old nephew today and when I told him he couldn’t eat ice cream for breakfast he told me “you’re not my best friend anymore” so we compromised and now he’s on his second bowl of ice cream and I’ve gained the title “best friend in the whole wide world”
WHEN YOU’RE A GHOST, YOU CAN:
1. Float through walls!
2. Find a body in the wall!
3. Wait, that’s you.
4. But then who did they bury in your grave?
5. Solve mysteries!
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
The closest I’ve ever come to being a ‘hunter and gatherer’ is opening my own pistachios.
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
There are 2 kinds of people in this world;
1. People who like math
A. People who hate math
3. People who really don’t understand math
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
“I was thinking of all the shit I hate, so I made a list of all the shit I hate”
*notices you don’t care
*adds you to list of shit I hate
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
I’m so out of shape, Internet Explorer could probably run faster than me.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
After years of intense research, I have come to the conclusion that dryer lint is actually the cremated remains of all my other socks.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
Reading that the economy is good while perusing 1 bedroom apartments being rented for 5,000 dollars a month and looking at jobs that pay 31,000 dollars a year.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.