[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
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Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
went to church and prayed for Jesus to turn water into gas so now we wait …
People come into your life for a reason. It’s annoying
[tree falls in forest]
[doesnt make a sound]
GUY IN CAMOUFLAGE: What the—
TREE: oh shit uhh AAHHHH I have fallen and I can’t get up aaahhh
A long time ago a wine expert said ‘it has an okay flavor’ but the guy heard ‘oaky flavor’ & now people want their wine to taste like trees
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
For those that worship cheese..
An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!
Will I understand Dune if I haven’t seen Darch, Dpril and Day?
“I got you this for Valentine’s Day.”
[she opens the box and reveals several People magazines inside]
“I think we should see other people.”
carnivorous animals (thinking): i’m hungry… i could really go for something smaller than me. an animal which is smaller than me would hit rn…
Halfway to the pizza store my kid announces that she isn’t wearing any shoes. The eventual transition out of isolation may be harder than expected.
Sorry, guy outside grocery store with a heavy bag and one arm in a sling, but I can’t help you. Ted Bundy ruined that for everyone.
Throw it against the wall and see if it sticks: good advice for cooks, great advice for Spiderman’s taxidermist.
Don’t you hate when you’re an astronaut and someone opens the hatch to go into space and you’re like, “nooooo, all my air guitars!”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.
I feel the need, the need for tweed.
– Professors at Top Gun
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
Sure my kids were embarrassed when I asked to have a manager come to our table, but the menu didn’t list a 50¢ charge for extra ranch dressing and I’m hella pissed.
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
Before we eat, my father always makes us join hands and debate critical race theory.
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home