My childhood was fairly normal and I still turned out like this.
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“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
Cats will have a King sized bed all to themselves and still lie on the one spot where you left your sweatshirt.
Showering is the worst. You mean I’ve gotta clean this body AGAIN? Has it been rolling in the mud? No. It’s been checking emails and watching Netflix. It is now unpresentably filthy. Stand in this loud wet box and confront your mortal vessel. You can’t even play a phone game.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
This morning I woke up with the thought “I wish there was a way for me to create vegetables at home…”
And so I jammed out on that idea for a while until I realized I had just invented farming.
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
Water Polo is one shark away from being the most entertaining sport around
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
August 8
Rooting for the overdog
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
2016: omg, Idiocracy was a documentary
2022: omg, Idiocracy was an understatement
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
If I let you into my life, I am either emotionally invested or you are a grilled cheese sandwich.
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
My wife asked me if I was going to take a shower before we go to some friend’s house for the evening like she didn’t see me get in the pool.
TOASTER OVEN: Do you really need another Hot Pocket?
ME: You shut your mouth
TO: If I shut my mouth will you stop putting Hot Pockets in it
Judas: *Betrays Jesus with a kiss*
Gospel Writers: Alright, no more kissin dudes
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
I find your Winter Solstice greetings offensive and presumptuous. Some of us don’t believe in winter.