At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
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Who tf called it WebMD and not Google Docs
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
It’s tough getting user casket reviews
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
If I could travel back in time I’d probably forget why I went as soon as I got there.
“DOC TELL ME STRAIGHT”
doc: u got lou gherrigs disease
*cops barge in* ur under arrest
“FOR WHAT”
cop: mr gherrig reported a missing disease
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
Person: “I have a friend in a wheelchair, do you know him?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “I have a friend who’s stupid, do you know him?”
Interviewer: Why do you want this job?
Me: I’ve always been passionate about being able to afford food
me: [tossing life preserver to my grandfather]
him: [on deathbed] NURSE
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
toddler [getting ready to jump off the bed]
wife: Do something
me *takes phone out to record it*
wife: Do something else
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
There’s a mom at the school pickup with a shirt that says “I don’t always whoomp, but when I do, there it is.” I think I love her
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
Fun Fact:
If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.
You’re welcome.
I was in a busy lift today and someone opened and started eating an egg sandwich.
Just to repeat: in a lift.
Kid 1: *crying bc sunscreen is in his eye*
Kid 2: *crying bc she has sand in her hair*
Kid 3: *crying bc flies are biting her*
Me: Alright, kids, I think it’s time we leave the beach.
Also kids: ALREADY?!?
*arrives in Las Vegas for first time at age 36*
Me: (in taxi on the Strip) Oh hell yes there’s a Walgreens AND a CVS next to my hotel.