WAITER: u can choose between 5 potato options and a salad
ME: the 5 potato options, please
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WIFE: (watching news) Someone broke into the Smithsonian Museum last night.
ME: (wearing an original pair of ruby slippers) That’s weird.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
My kid told me it was too sunny outside and for a moment it seemed like he wanted me to do something about it
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
“I will not have my voice silenced! This is censorship! This is against the constitution!”
“But sir. This is a library.”
Just shattered the neighbour’s window trying to separate two frozen burger patties with a butter knife.
Death hack: bury your loved ones with their fitness trackers for a low-cost early zombie alert system.
Now that I think about it, I don’t believe Arnold Schwarzenegger and Danny Devito were twins at all
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
“machines will soon be as smart as people” ok but WHICH people
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
A secret about trees is that nobody knows which are which. The most confident member of any party will simply say ‘That is a Dutch Elm’ and everybody will agree. But nobody actually knows. Nobody went to tree school. It’s a woodland grift. You stand in a copse of lies.
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
Judge: The jury finds the defendant guilty.
Me: Nooooooooo.
Judge: Again, you’re the plaintiff.
Me: Haha. Oh yeah.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
<gets pulled over>
Officer- What’s making all that noise in your trunk?
Me- My feelings. I’m trying to dispose of them properly.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Not to brag, but I can get a guy to date me for 3 whole dates before he runs for his life
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
If a person checks their watch while you’re talking, it’s probably because they’re timing you and this is a competition. Keep talking. It’s win-time baby. You got this.
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?