I told my tween to exercise so he sat on the couch and told me he was exercising — his right to freedom. I was mad, mostly that I never thought of that one myself.
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“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
My ex-wife didn’t like flowers so in an effort to be romantic I covered the bed with tiny airplane liquor bottles instead of rose petals
*first day as zookeeper
(letting animals out) “Go, mingle.”
Press A to HEED MY OMINOUS WARNING
Press B to SCOFF AND CONTINUE
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
Just got 30 minutes of cardio trying to pick up an ice cube from the kitchen floor.
Why aren’t these people with Ebola doing the ice bucket challenge? Don’t they want to get better?
Whenever I’m asked if I have any food allergies or intolerances I answer that I should be fine as long as the secret ingredient isn’t love. Nobody has ever once been amused by this. I will never stop.
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
Every toddler is a budding artist when you give them a peanut butter & jelly sandwich.
Walmart customers are classless.
You shouldn’t drink Cabernet from a Pringle’s can.
Those cans are meant strictly for Pinot Noir.
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
[I see a bug outside] Nature is marvelous
[I see a bug inside] This must be the deliverer of my death
13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
[Thanksgiving dinner]
WIFE: These potatoes are burnt to a crisp
ME: Those are for tomorrow
WIFE: Because…tomorrow is Bla-
ME: Black Fry Day
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
I changed to high thread counts when I moved. I have fallen out of the bed 5 times. Super slippery. No wonder those Egyptians died young. Prolly slid right off they pyramids.
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
I learned the hard way that it’s a bad idea to pull down your pants and moon someone if you know they’re a werewolf.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
Hippos at the Cincinnati Zoo getting some pumpkin snacks.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
I knew he was the one when I asked if he liked to hike and he answered “On purpose?”
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.