Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.
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My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
All. The. Damn. Time.
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Avril Lavigne: He was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it any more obvious?
Homicide detective: I’m gonna need you to try.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
They’re playing loud country music outside the liquor store.
Like that’s going to dissuade me.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
My 2-yr-old has a toy phone that she pretends to talk on.
She looked right at me and said “hewwo?” into the toy phone.
I grabbed my phone and said, “hello, Isla! This is Daddy!”
She then said, “Isla not home” and hung up on me.
cop: can you step out of the car, sir?
me: [remaining in my seat] yes i CAN step out of the car ;D
cop:
me:
cop: um may you step out of the car, sir?
me: actually i might be on a teensy bit of opium so let’s revisit that first question
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
I love my kids but sometimes I wish the school bus would pick them up at 4:30 p.m. on Sunday.
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
IAN: I broke my leg once
ME: I’ve never broken a bone, touch wood [touches wood]
THE UNIVERSE: THIS MAN WILL NEVER BREAK A BONE
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
so disappointed after seeing this photo & realizing that’s a third llama in the back & not the arm of the right llama ringing a little bell
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
My son is sick. His symptoms include; fever, headache, and no desire to play XBox. In other words…it’s very serious.
interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills?
me: yes that number is zero
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”