How can you tell a vampire has the virus?
He’ll be coffin.
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me: how did you get ink all over your skirt?
wife: oh umm, the printer at work exploded
dave the squid: [in the closet] just tell him about us
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
I wear a cape when I’m driving so if I get pulled over the cop will think I’m going somewhere to fight crime.
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
Please don’t call it man flu. Its correct name is manchester flunited.
hackers play passwordle
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Nothing’s stopping you from doing a book signing. You don’t have to have written a book, there are plenty of them just lying around
It’s amazing how many people can hit pine trees and drive with them still hanging on their car roofs. Like nothing happened.
Playing chicken with the confidence that you cannot lose 😁
Losing 😲
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.
Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.
Me: No, not like that.
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Welcome to your 40s: here’s another chin, have a nice day.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
BEACH BODY TIP: if you find a body on the beach call the police immediately, don’t team up with a hilarious old woman from out of town to solve the crime.
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
Sugar is cheap. I want an avocado daddy.
A dating app called “Hinder” where some guy shows up in the middle of every date and ruins everything.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
Found the kid playing with her dog instead of Zooming with her teacher. She told me not to worry. She took a screenshot of herself “paying attention,” then cut her video & replaced it with the picture. “It’s a gallery view of 20 kids, mom. They can’t tell.” She is 10. #COVID19
If I eat healthy today then I can have one piece of candy as a reward. If I eat unhealthy, then I can have the whole bag.
*Now with 50 percent less fat*
Me: ooooh *buys two*
If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
CENTAUR: My dad slept with a horse
MINOTAUR: My mum slept with a bull
PIGOTAUR: My dad was Prime Minister.